childhood

• by the way i was raised shame, guilt and fear became a core in my brain. but now that I’m aware and in control it’s time to wipe everything, strart from scratch and program myself in the way i want.
• my parents have nurtured me to always be the best in my class. i guess that’s why i feel very ashamed whenever i’m just a simple ordinary person.
• i remember one the most disappointed faces of my father i’ve ever seen was the day he got my school scores report and i was the second best person with 19.97 maybe while the first person in our grade was 20. he was so sad. if i have to introduce past to a stranger with only one memory, probabely this would be it.
• from beginning of my life i have always been bombarded with these sentences: “you are special, you are smarter than others, you are exceptional, you are genius, our golden gene runs through you, you are gonna be a very successful rich person, …” so why was i surprised when i found out they are all have turned into my core beliefs like “i am better than others, i am different that others, …” i think everybody is born more or less neutral, unique and with many different potentials. but they grow into the ideas injected to them so they become more true by our actions
• when i was a child i always saw tired depressed grown ups in pain. i always wondered why are they like this? back then part of me was totally sure that i’m not going to end up like them, i’m going to be different and another part was afraid what if i turn just like them? i think i understand it now.
• in school i always like to be a part of a group. some played soccer, some talk about movies, some listening to a famous artists last album, … but i almost never was a part of one.
• my dad always saved his better assets. for example if there are 2 remote controls for our tv, one expensive one with better features and another cheaper one with simple functions, dad always used the cheap one and put the other away for dooms day. this is hardcoded into me too. even when i’m playing video games i never use my best assets and keep them for the future that never comes. or in retention rate: i always keep the most important item for the end of my talks while i should start with it.

🔙 handbook