chosen passion

maximize my happiness - i want to live

by maximizing myself i mean maximizing my natural happiness (mathematically called LF) (to-do: a bug is that when we enjoy watching sad movie or reviewing a beautiful but sad memory).

so this maximizing doesn’t mean to be smartest, richest, most famous, most powerful, strongest, … it means to do whatever brings more happiness.

it might mean to do 10 fast things at the same time like learning 10 programming languages at the same time or do only 1 slow small thing like gardening/painting/petting.
it might mean to have sex with more of the most beautiful models in the world or spend simple romance life with a simple ordinary girl.
it might mean to stay in this beautiful world and try to increase my happiness or might mean to leave this ugly world and end my pain.
it might mean to eat healthiest possible foods to enjoy getting fit and healty or might mean to eat total junk foods to enjoy their taste and dopamine.
it might mean to enjoy running for becoming better and being the best or might mean to enjoy sufficing and staying where i am right now.

no matter which one of above items i choose, they both are all fine defendable goals from their perspective.

this happiness i’m going to maximize can come from many possible doors: freedom, peace, power, love, lust, fame, … so which door i’m going to choose? i think i might choose freedom as the first door cause many of the other doors are opened as side effect of that door. after gaining that freedom maybe the 50-50 strategy of spending half of my time in peace (sleep, rest, lie down on water like saul goodman, pets, reading teenage books, walk, watch movies, …) and half in action (swimming fast, upgrading myself, learning more, gaining more, adrenaline, buidling stuff, thrilling activities, competitive sports, …)

peace only leads to being a bored corpse. action only leads to being a working horse. but their combo looks perfect, especially when the action is in a joyful field for me.

meaning

if it was 10 years ego i might wrote meaning instead of happiness. i would consider meaningful things as my passion like helping most possible people, become the best person in a field (business, sport, science, …), become god’s favorite creature … but now that i’m not a fool and know there’s only darwin, survival and evolution i choose my passion to be mundane. (even the sacred love i believed in once is merely a tool for survival and people who don’t know or ignore this fact, enjoy it and see it meaningful most of all)

lack of passion

Can somebody that is totally ok to leave this world right now, have a passion to live?

I think passion is the main reason people become successful in some field. Of course it takes discipline, hard work, courage, … but the very starting spark, the very first domino that starts everything, the fuel that is fed to the shuttle and make it fly to the moon is to have passion about sth. The hardest thing that hinders me from doing anything in my life is that I don’t have any concrete reason to fight for.

some have mind opiums like god as their motive.
some have fantasies like living for society and making the world a better place.
some see their survival in raising and nurturing children
some like to understand everything in one field like physics
some have mundane motives like sex, money, fame, cars, houses
some have mental knots and problems and harness them and of course all of these are in service of survival.

but i don’t have any of these or at least don’t have a strong feeling about any of them. I like many things and enjoy many activities but none of them are not enough to make me love this life & world and make me be willing to fight for it. mostly i’m just tired and i want to get rid of ancors chained to my feet. i want freedom and peace. but even that is too controversial cause leaving is a very fast shortcut to it.

my biggest problem is The fact that technically I can do everything but realistically I can do nothing. I can achieve everything everybody is craving for but I crave for nothing. I can be an elon musk but i don’t want/need/like it so i’m a nobody instead which is very sad. Even when I find a few passions they are all negative in cost-benefit analysis and in every possible path I lose more than what I earn. This has made me frrozen and stuck right where I am for a long time.

So in this paradox if I can do everything is actually true, can I turn the tide and find a way to live or the best option for me remains leaving?

one thing that is hurting me is the fact that even some of my biggest passions look to be only less negative points. they are just less pain, they are not joy.

i don’t know if i was like this from the first place or changed or forced or metamorphosed but i don’t enjoy watching sky, peting animals, eating foods, … like others.

anti-passion

more than things to want and crave for, i have things that i don’t want. i mean i have 100 things i hate or dislike or run away from a lot. but don’t have

need

i don’t know if it should be called sad or what. someone who doens’t need anything can’t joy anything. there’s no joy of sex for eunuch, there’s no joy of eating for sb not hungry (or eathing meat for someone who is vegerian), …

choose

i have to choose what do i want

although some passions are involuntarily written into our source codes (by nature or nurture), we can choose or should choose some others. e.g. passion for sports and need to be the 1st in the world might be hardcore of our personality but the ability to choose what sport can be in our hand for the most part.

fear

am i running from sth out of fear or am i running for sth out of passion.

i feel that for most of my life i’ve been running away from pain not running for passion or joy or happiness.

people

in compare with other people i feel like i have to fight 2 times harder for sth i want half.

jaded

maybe i’m jaded in compare with others and i’m not stimulated with low levels of good things to get joy. but this can be used in the other side too: maybe i can endure higher levels of pain cause i feel less?

there are some moments that there isn’t anything you can give me to make me feel joy. not any person, place, food, device, ….

children

kids are passion bursts. hosna and kasra don’t understand shit from korosh and I games, yet they enjoy them way more than us.

deprivation

maybe we crave for what we don’t have. i never truly had freedom in my life so i crave for it most of all. reminds of how they say married man craves to be alone and single man craves to be in a relationship

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